From the monthly archives:

January 2010

Confronting the Mind in Zen Meditation

January 31, 2010

Mostly when I sit down to meditate and turn the eye inward, I see horse penises. It’s as if my mind has gathered the most robust stallions on the planet and chronicled their huge members, displaying them like blown-up photos on some high end gallery wall. At this point in the zazen, I try to accept [...]

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A Brief Lecture for Kids Holding Their Breath While Their Parents Drive Through a Tunnel

January 30, 2010

It doesn’t matter if you can hold your breath the length of the tunnel or not. This is not a time for wish-making. Your grandmother will die someday regardless of your efforts, however courageous.

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Tina’s Recipe for Delicious Hot Wings

January 29, 2010

SERVES  12 4 tablespoons butter 6 dozen chicken wings 2 bottles hot sauce 2 gallons frying oil First, you need to melt that butter in a large saucepan. If you don’t have a saucepan, borrow one from your sister-in-law who never gives you enough credit as a cook. Tell her you’re making souffles. She’ll squint [...]

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Treehouse Erotica

January 28, 2010

She teases me on the ladder, climbing quickly, then stopping altogether, ignoring me for a second, pretending to watch a robin in the branches. We are five minutes on the ladder, and she puts her boot up to my face pressing the toe against my cheek. I bite the rubber and she pushes me back. [...]

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Block-Fest: When Family Facebooks

January 28, 2010

CONTRIBUTED BY CYNTHIA HAWKINS (San Antonio, TX) First of all, let me just say it had been nice to be your friend before the unfriending-slash-blocking. Before, I never knew that you were interested in networking or that you watched Biggest Loser or that you were “all that and a bag of chips” or that you [...]

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A Prison Myth Explained

January 27, 2010

There’s a story going around about what you should do on your first day in prison, namely, attack the biggest, baddest guy in the joint. The idea behind this is that if you’re crazy enough and tough enough to take on the biggest guy, then the other inmates will leave you alone. What people don’t [...]

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Trends in Titles (1989-1991): “Bonobos”

January 26, 2010

Wild As Bonobos by Rachel Carlisle (1991) Three Bonobos in a Shed - Stories by Peter Duffy (1992) Bonobo Hair by Bonnie Lynn Kramer (1991) I’m Not a Bonobo, But I F#@$ Like One:Ten Tips to Rejuvenating Your Sex Life by Todd Alstott (1990) Bonobo Ricochet by Tom Collinsworth (1991) Where the Bonobos Play by [...]

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Submarine

January 25, 2010

The little girl in purple galoshes started the conversation. I don’t talk to folks at the bus stop. I don’t talk to folks on the bus. Most times it just leads chatter and nonsense and I’d rather take a nap. We weren’t making eye contact. She just started talking. I’m used to this from the [...]

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How Not to Comfort Your Japanese Exchange Student After He Loses the Geography Bee on the Last Question

January 24, 2010

Riku, don’t be too hard on yourself. Most Americans couldn’t find Turkey on a map, much less distinguish between the Bosporus and the Dardanelles. How bout we go home and I fix you some of those soba noodles you like? I’m sure you’ve brought great honor to your family today. Second place is a great [...]

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Myths About Mark Twain #9

January 23, 2010

Some people think that Samuel Langhorne Clemens adopted the pen name Mark Twain because of all the teasing over his middle name, Longhorn for Langhorne, which in mid-19th century Missouri meant penis. This reason is, of course, a legend. Actually, he adopted Mark Twain because of the puns people made on his last name Clemens, as [...]

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A Contributor Has Second Thoughts

January 22, 2010

Dear Editors, A few weeks ago I submitted a piece entitled I’m Not Blind, I’m Just Wearing Two Eye Patches. You accepted it, saying you would run it eventually on a Thursday. Please DO NOT publish this. I feel terrible having written it at all. Sincerely, J.R. from Tallahassee, FL

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Steaming

January 21, 2010

He hates wasting milk. That’s the first thing Andre tells me before the cafe opens. We are  behind the espresso machine. He’s wearing a red apron and I forgot mine, forgot that I had to bring my own on my first day of training. He’s not pleased. “Are you going to forget when Lou-from-next-d00r brings [...]

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Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary

January 21, 2010

This is our first in a series of “Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… ” CONTRIBUTED BY JUSTIN McBRIDE (San Francisco, CA) Things I Probably Wouldn’t Have Time For If… Breathing Stopped Being Involuntary Signing up for online payments Dealing with these kidney stones Donating money to the worldwide family of Jesus, my [...]

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How to Get 2 Walruses to Kiss

January 20, 2010

In their natural habitat: your guess is as good as mine. In captivity: Smear loads of grape jelly on their lips … and stand back. In transport to the zoo by way of hovercraft: not recommended. In space: walruses can’t breathe in space. In a boxing ring: again with the grape jelly. In South Dakota: [...]

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Shaving My Father’s Arm

January 19, 2010

My father had uncharacteristically hairy arms for an Irishman. His brothers use to tease him about it, saying he’d been fathered by the old Greek from the laundry. They all had hairy arms, but he was the youngest, and the last to conquer logic. After he turned 60, my father visited a new skin doctor [...]

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