More Excerpts From Awkward Eulogies

November 13, 2009

1. Honestly, we were so relieved he passed in his sleep. All those years at the paper mill, we thought for sure he’d get killed on the job. And I don’t have to spell it out for you. Saws.

2. Uncle Mort once said to me, Randal, you’re not much of a hat type-of-guy are you? I’ve always wondered if he meant that I wasn’t the kind of person who enjoyed wearing hats or if he meant that I didn’t wear hats well because I have such a small head. Either way, I’m sure he meant nothing by it.

3. When Jaden lost the first leg…[sneeze]…we thought…[sneeze]…that God had…[sneeze]… that God…[sneeze]…[sneeze]…I’m sorry. When Jaden lost the first leg, we thought that God had…[sneeze]…that God had…[sneeze]…I’m sorry. Is there a cat in here?

4. She may not have been the best teacher at that school, but she worked there the longest, and I believe there’s something to that. Kids, she used to say, somebody’s got to watch them while their parents work. Why not me?

5. When Dad left us the first time I was, of course, destroyed. But he came back and said that he’d made a huge mistake and begged us to take him back. We did. Mom and I were so lonely without him. When he left the second time I was just plain angry. He came back again and we took him back again, but you all know this. The third time he left and came back I felt sorry for him. My father, the loser, couldn’t even leave his family the right way. Now I’ve got a family and I don’t plan to leave them-ever. Unless they take me for granted.

6. Mom loved to go to the movies. We saw so many movies together over the years, movies she never would have seen without me like Jaws and Predator and Cape Fear and The Shining. Perhaps nothing affected her more than the ending to Chinatown where you find out that Faye Dunaway is having her father’s baby. Oh, I hope that doesn’t spoil it for some of you.

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