From the monthly archives:

November 2009

Mime’s Lament

November 30, 2009

No one asks for the rope-pull anymore. It’s always Do the invisible box! I’ll do the invisible box if it’s organic to the performance. But no one wants to hear that, and I’m not going to tell them.

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Cowboy Orgies

November 29, 2009

People think orgies are all the same, but anyone who’s been to a cowboy orgy knows the difference. It’s not that they wear their boots or pretend to lasso things while they’re fucking. It’s a matter of tone-a subdued enthusiasm mixed with modesty and a genuine hospitality you won’t find back East. It’s rough mostly-that’s to [...]

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Fishing with Dynamite: A Grandmother Remembers

November 28, 2009

I don’t like worms, never did. My father neither. We Mulcahys never used bait as far back as I can trace. Guess someone, my great-grandfather maybe, discovered you could blow up a whole mess of fish without even using a pole. Times have certainly changed-what with the airplanes and all-but one thing’s stayed the same. [...]

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James Brown Memorial Gift Shop Workers’ Pledge

November 27, 2009

I am not “The Hardest Working Man in Show Business.” I am not a “Sex Machine.” I am not the “King of Funk.” I am not “Soul Brother Number One.” I am not “Mr. Dynamite.” And I am not “The Godfather of Soul.” But I do represent him in this gift shop, and I will-to the [...]

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Jesus Ranks the Apostles

November 26, 2009

12. Bartholomew 11. James the Lesser 10. Judas Iscariot 9. Paul 8. John 7. Thaddeus 6. Simon and Philip (tie) 4. Thomas 3. Matthew 2. James the Greater 1. Peter

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Me and Hugo Chavez Contest Results

November 26, 2009

WINNER PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) It started when President-Probably-For-Life Chavez stole my cab in New York City the day before Thanksgiving. I mean, we made eye contact. He knew what he was doing. You can’t just nationalize a cab, I remember thinking. And maybe the God that likes democracy was smiling just a little on [...]

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Afraid of Sitting Bull

November 25, 2009

We lived in Tampa at the time, and the chief had been dead for 80-some years, but my son was convinced that Sitting Bull was going to kill him. At first I just dismissed it. Then, when he couldn’t sleep, I talked to him about Little Big Horn, and explained that if anyone should scare [...]

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My First Nude

November 24, 2009

I sketched my first nude in third grade. Ours was a progressive school. Especially for Idaho. When the model dropped her robe, some of the girls started laughing. Me and the other boys went straight to work drawing the lines of her thighs with our charcoal. Most of my focus, even then, was on her [...]

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The First Time I Wanted to Say “Sapphic”

November 23, 2009

It was the summer of ’71-two months before I said Zeitgeist. Graveyard shift at the freight dock. Me and Goob. Swapping fantasies on a stack of pallets, waiting for a Salt Lake truck full of car parts and paint. “Mostly,” says Goob, “I just want to have sex with a girl, but as a girl.” “Nothing wrong [...]

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Me and Hugo Chavez Contest Finalists

November 23, 2009

P.R. Griffis (Austin, TX) Justin McBride (San Francisco, CA) Mike Blank (Twin Cities, MN) Thank you to everyone who submitted. The winner will be announced Thursday, November 26th. The hoody mailed shortly thereafter. TAKE THAT “Me and Raul Castro Contest!”

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Roman Catholic Confession of the Year 1941: Chiapas, Mexico [translated]

November 22, 2009

Well, my son, if putting honey in your ear so your burro can lick it out is the worst thing you’ve done, then you’re easily absolved. But you should no longer tempt your burro. Yes, Father. You are to say seven Hail Marys- Father? Yes? It was not my burro. Very well. Do not tempt [...]

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Jenga!

November 21, 2009

The John Tyler High School Jenga club again voted 7 to 4 against adopting “I’ll Tumble for Ya” as their anthem. Three Christmases ago I bumped my 12-year old niece as she was attempting to pull out her piece. The tower crashed. We won. I haven’t seen her since. When my husband was away on [...]

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Poe’s Daily Affirmation

November 20, 2009

“My tuberculosis does not define me.”

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Big Game Hunting Gives 1st Shared Lifetime Achievement Award to Walt Sterns and Claire DeLong-Sterns

November 19, 2009

As you might imagine, I don’t feel right accepting this award without Walt. I might have been the better shot, but it was his passion for big game that took us around the world. Some of you know the story, but Walt and I met when we were kids. I was in a tree stand [...]

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Wanted: Young Person with Initiative and Good People Skills

November 19, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY STEPHEN BROOKS (Athens, GA) Simple economics—that’s what it comes down to. If anybody’s familiar with the Doc Holliday beverage, with the tag-lines “Have a Real Blast” and “Double Barrels of Flavor,” which comes in a purplish-pink can that depicts a silvery, ghostly image of Doc Holliday and a shotgun, then you’re in luck. [...]

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