From the monthly archives:

October 2009

A Werewolf’s Single-Parent Responds

October 31, 2009

Dear Murky Fringe, Thank you for your “advice” on raising werewolves. How did I ever manage before you came along? That goat-in-the-garage thing? Brilliant. I can’t believe that never occurred to me. Not once. Especially after the first time he changed and went through an orphanage like it was a bucket of wings. I can’t [...]

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My Real Dad is Samoan

October 30, 2009

Robert McGregor is not my dad. Not my real dad. My real dad is Samoan. American Samoan. His name is Watu-Watu. He never cuts his hair, but he’s got tattoos all over his stomach for all the men he’s killed. Like his whole stomach is one big tattoo. He’ll pretty much do anything I want because American [...]

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Palm Reading for a Horse Whisperer

October 29, 2009

Let’s look first at your life line. The life line represents your vitality as well as the length of your life. This is the most important line on your hand and the easiest to recognize. This line begins on the edge of the palm, between the index finger and the thumb. It extends across the [...]

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Niche Market Energy Drinks

October 29, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY JOSHUA FOSTER (Rigby, ID) Man Milk (cowboys, bovine industry participants) 43 Hour Energy (cougars) En-Jamb (slam poets) MEGA WOWEE YEHAA! (non-English speaking minorities) Methampheta-Mile (long-haul truckers) Needlez (quilters, crafty types) Yonkers (New Yorkers, pornographers)

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Anonymous Suggestions to Rename Guernica by Ms. Duval’s Freshmen Art Class

October 28, 2009

Who Cares Suck-It! Bull Death Eye Horse * Chinese Painting is Stupid Thriller ????????? This is Dumb General Franco’s Bombing of Guernica, Spain ** Fucking Retarded-Like This Class Swank Ms. Duval’s Obsession with Fucked Up Shit Titties on the Left Spanish Nightmare ** I Don’t Know Franco Wins, Bitches!…I’m Out * 10 Points Extra Credit [...]

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The MF Interviews The Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater (2007)

October 27, 2009

Murky Fringe (MF): How would you describe yourselves to someone who has never heard of The Alvin Aliey American Dance Theater? Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater (AAADT): We are a modern dance company out of New York with- MF: Is dance dead? AAADT: [shrugs] We don’t understand. Are you asking about choreography? MF: I’m asking [...]

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A Bruise Resembling John Wilkes Booth Is Not the Mark of a Coward

October 26, 2009

He was an old man begging for change, but I gave him some fries instead. When he reached for the food, I saw the purple above his wrist. Another two-bit, bruise-hustler. The second I’d seen that day. “It’s Booth,” he said, showing off his wrist, “but I got more than him. Five bucks to see [...]

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Modest Masochism for the Elderly

October 25, 2009

1. Put a small piece of aluminum foil on your dental filling. (Please note, Werther’s Originals candy wrappers do not provide a significant source of shock. We recommend the copper-sided foil of Rolos.) 2. Pluck a small hair from the outside of your nose. 3. Coat your finger with peanut butter and let your dog [...]

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Yelp* Review for Stella’s Bistro

October 24, 2009

Whoever wrapped up my salmon and couscous in aluminum foil did not even try to make the swan’s neck look elegant. Yes there was length to it, but there was no graceful curve, no attempt at beauty. Imagine a duck as he takes off in flight. Imagine the horrible awkwardness of that moment, the desperate [...]

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Helen Keller’s Fifth Grade Pen Pal

October 23, 2009

Dear Helen, My teacher says you can’t see or hear. I get blue and orange mixed up, so maybe we can be friends. Do you know about hippos? They are very dangerous. So are wolverines. They can kill bears. Last week my dad’s sister came to our house because she’s tired of all the bullshit. [...]

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Tangled: My Life As A Power Line Shoe-Tosser

October 22, 2009

People are always asking me, Troy, why shoes? Why power lines? A hanging pair of shoes sends a message. It says, “Welcome to the City. People die here.” Is it a warning? Yes. Is it art? Well, now we’re getting into slippery territory. Is Neil Diamond art? Is the Statue of Liberty art? What is [...]

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My Dinner with Jack Kerouac

October 22, 2009

CONTRIBUTED BY PR GRIFFIS (Austin, TX) Ryan’s Steakhouse, Sandusky, OH Upon Entering After he fills his flask in the car, then pulls his pockets inside out at the register and asks the vaguely terrified sixteen-year-old cashier if she’d like to see an elephant (which I take as a sign that I am to pay for [...]

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Somali Pirates Talk Shit About…

October 21, 2009

first mates who stutter The Dutch slow-ass cargo ships central governments manatees club-footed children the smell of papaya Dave Matthews Band any fucker on a wave-runner

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The MF Interviews Gene Wilder (1984)

October 20, 2009

The Murky Fringe: I think everyone wants to know about Willy Wonka and the fall/somersault you do when the kids come to the chocolate factory. Was that you? Gene Wilder: Yes. There were no stuntmen on the set-except for the midget stuntmen tumbling for the Oompa Loompas. But that fall into the summersault was me. [...]

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A Coal Miner Remembers His Canaries

October 19, 2009

Pa said not to do this-name birds and such—but he’s gone fourteen years now and I do mostly as I please. We weren’t much for sparrows or ‘keets. We were canary people, long as I can remember. They died quick—first whiff of that bad air. Sparrows were fighters, and my people liked an early alarm. [...]

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