Reasons to Name Your Son “Doug”

September 17, 2009

  • It’s a family name
  • It was the name of your best friend in college before he died
  • You’re a Chinese immigrant and you want him to fit in
  • You always wanted a dog and subconsciously…
  • You don’t like him already
  • He has your father-in-law’s chin, which means that he’ll be a bully, which means that you might as well just give him a bully’s name, which means that you’re actually contributing to the bullying of other kids with names like Seth and Chris
  • He’s already taking legendary, monster dumps
  • He seems dim and clumsy
  • Because he’s not your son, he’s the bastard son of your wife and her dentist, Dr. Renolds-Dr. Doug Renolds. (But you’re not angry.)
  • It’s in the Bible…somewhere
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