From the monthly archives:

September 2009

My Very Own Kenny Rogers

September 30, 2009

I told my wife that our dog was looking more and more like Kenny Rogers-the pre-plastic-surgery-Kenny Rogers. The First Edition Kenny Rogers. “Lady” Kenny Rogers. “Through the Years” Kenny Rogers. I showed her the old album covers with the soft, round beard. “Can’t you see it? Ruby looks just like him!” I could have said [...]

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Chicken Soup for the Dive Bar Soul

September 29, 2009

Jane and I weren’t friends. We sat next to one another at Corduroy a couple of times, and I’d bought her a drink or two. Mostly she ignored my advances. I didn’t expect much. I was sixty-four and she was twenty-three or something around my granddaughter’s age. The night we finally hooked up, she’d had [...]

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Is Christian Hip-Hop Dead?

September 28, 2009

TOP TEN SINGLES of 2009

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Richard Burton Fan Club Meeting Agenda

September 27, 2009

I. Welcome and Roll Call II. Reports a. Treasury: Exorcist II Party Costs-decorations, Linda Blair appearance, punch, cake; budget for Wales trip b. Secretary: Minutes from last meeting, c. President: Community theater production of Equus (concerns over using real horses) III. Final Vote on Burton Film Series ’09:  Look Back in Anger, Beckett (Again), The Longest Day, Under [...]

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Kiddie Cup

September 26, 2009

If you’re a waiter and the kid at the table is talking about fishing with dynamite, then don’t give him crayons for his placemat. You can give him the plastic cup with the lid-the kiddie cup-but wait until you bring out everyone’s drinks, and make sure it’s your last night or make sure you’re sleeping [...]

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Nailbiter

September 25, 2009

There’s nothing wrong with biting your nails.Not really. I mean, it’s not like scratching someone’s car with your key or dousing something in gasoline-like a pool table-then threatening to strike a match, then making a match-lighting sound the way some people can make a paper-ripping sound and pretending to light a match to set the [...]

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Suspenders

September 24, 2009

I remember my first my first pair of suspenders. I tried to put them through my belt loops until my dad showed me the right way to wear them. Of course, he didn’t have any thumbs, so it was really awkward when he tried clipping them to my pants. I could do it once he [...]

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Animal Photography

September 23, 2009

I’ve spent some time lately apprenticing with a photographer who takes pictures of animals wearing sunglasses. At first, I applied because I thought the job would be hilarious. I imagined meeting my friends for drinks and telling them how ridiculous my boss could be, how surreal it was to work for someone who made animals [...]

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At the Track

September 22, 2009

My little brother is always on my case about going to the racetrack to see the horses. I’m tempted to tell him about glue and all that, but it would break his heart and, at eleven, he’s still a good kid. (I’m saving it in case he outgrows me. Like one day he’s six-four and [...]

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Words or Phrases that Make Me Stop Eavesdropping in Menlo Park

September 21, 2009

my dog’s nutritionist three pounds overweight bandwidth

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Dating Advice for Fishmongers

September 20, 2009

Get a different job.

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Animals

September 19, 2009

Skunk, dead fish on beach, starting to want different things. Moose hoping to knock antlers with full-of-himself, piece-of-shit elk. Antarctic penguin fathers caring for eggs have no other marketable skills. Cheetahs more than speedsters, predators. Also like Jazz, early Jim Jarmush. Elephants tired of cleaning themselves, each other, with nose-water. Monkeys to rest of animal [...]

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Wanted: Blog Writer (Less than $500)

September 18, 2009

I’m looking for someone to write 10 to 15 blog posts per week, covering my three websites: hotcats.co.uk, wickedslipnslidez.com, and mylesbiankitchen.co.ia. Writer must be proficient in English as well as “creative” type who “gets me” and my “quirky” personality. Topics will include: attractive cats (yes, the animal, not like the slang for hipster and such), [...]

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Reasons to Name Your Son “Doug”

September 17, 2009

It’s a family name It was the name of your best friend in college before he died You’re a Chinese immigrant and you want him to fit in You always wanted a dog and subconsciously… You don’t like him already He has your father-in-law’s chin, which means that he’ll be a bully, which means that [...]

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Cinnamon Buns

September 16, 2009

How much do I love cinnamon buns? I love cinnamon buns so much that you couldn’t give me anything in trade for them. That’s not true. If you could send me back in time to the morning when my mother’s uncle ignored her after church because her parents (my grandpa was his brother) had just [...]

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